"When Two Become One" or "Ashley Reborn"

This lovely set done for Ashley was the by-product of several revisions and drafts.  A caption can take me anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days and this one took a total of about three days of work.  My greatest frustration is posting a caption going back to find mistakes.  Despite going over it with a fine tooth comb, I found more after it was posted on the haven.  I used to "rush to the press" with new content, but I'm more inclined to hold off and sleep on captions so I can try to catch things.  I still have my urges to hurry up, and the results often make me upset.

This caption went through about 3 writing revisions.  when Dee found this out, she thought it would be interesting to see the evolution of the story telling.  I would advise reading the whole caption before reading on.  Also, if you only care about the sexy, then you might want to skip the commentary below about mechanics on what makes a Mistress Simone cap.  Otherwise, read anyway and comment!




This segment was originally part of the first panel.  It was the start of the second paragraph and I can see how the flow changed up.

“Yes, love, I will always come back to you.” Rob's voice quivered as he spoke, feeling her presence within his mind. The familiar build of warmth washed over his body, signally that he was once again one with his beloved Ashley.

 I've been on a "more with less" kick with my writing.  Making captions only gives space and the reader has so much patience.  It's already a long caption and I feel like it's better to help paint a picture instead of spelling everything out.  If you just give enough vivid detail, you can guide them along with your vision.

This next segment comes from the end of first panel:

“Love knows now boundaries, Pookie.” Ashley said, this time through his own mouth. “I promised to love you forever and I never stopped loving you. Even death won't keep us a part.” Rob fluttered his growing eyelashes as he felt himself regaining control of his body. “Mmmmm, awwwh how cute, you got piercings on your nipples just like I had. Thank you baby.”

This was about the point when I realized I had too much "he said/ she said" in this caption.  Caitlyn read the original post version and said it was the first thing she noticed about the revisions.  It helps with the flow of the story; something that's paramount with me.  Also, in the original draft I felt there wasn't enough sensuality in the story.  It was good, but not effective enough.  

The last thing I'll bring up is the ending.  The original tone was much darker in my opinion.  While I don't have an example, the original tone was geared towards Ashley's spirit completely taking over Rob.  Instead of a merging of minds, it felt more like Ashley was committing murder.  I wasn't aiming for that because I felt like it would cheapen their love.  I also didn't have enough focus on the conflict - Merge with Ashley and inherit her body and life or long for her forever.  Also, I love playing with the idea of surrender.  How hard would it be to feel the pleasure of femininity and not be seduced by it?  The original ending was flat and completely dark.  While I obviously don't have issues with darker tones, it wouldn't have been effective for the person I wrote it for.  

Well, class is over my pets, I hope you study for your quiz.  Those who fail it will be forced into maid duty.  Dismissed!